


Growth

by Portrait of the Author as a Young Writer (NitrogenFixation)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A1 - Freeform, Beforus, Familial Relationship, Friendship, Gen, Maternal Tendencies, Pre-Scratch Trolls, Pre-Sgrub, Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-21
Updated: 2012-10-21
Packaged: 2017-11-16 19:08:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/542852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NitrogenFixation/pseuds/Portrait%20of%20the%20Author%20as%20a%20Young%20Writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Porrim will be there and take care of him because she cannot forget the kindness and compassion that has become so bastardized from what it once was, and because she knows it's still there, buried under trigger warnings and ridiculous terms like "cisblood". He has changed, but not completely. Pigheaded obstinance aside, he is always her compassionate Kanny.</p><p>A story about loving someone for who they are and doing what you must for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Growth

Of the circle of twelve friends that you'll develop (will be key to developing, with your diplomacy) later in life, Kankri is the first one you meet.

He’s young and debates roughly and his posts on the forum that the two of you meet on are lengthy and push for equality, for change, for understanding and acceptance and consideration of everyone for each other. It’s what catches your eye. You message him privately and ask about his thoughts on the complacency of their society to the gender roles that have become so thoroughly ingrained through the sweeps. He replies with a kind of hesitation -- curiosity. He isn’t familiar with the topic. Right now, he’s not so entrenched in his qualifications and trigger warnings, so all you receive in return is questions, searching to find the manifestation of the problem you presented. You readily indulge his curiosity -- this is the first time anyone has listened to you, even if it is just a single soul, and you pour your opinionated heart into every carefully-chosen word.

It is the start of a strange friendship.

He’s not a good listener, you find at times. He is absorbed in the issues that primarily concern him, for the most part, but he is open and he tries his best to develop the two-way street you are building. You, in exchange, patiently listen to him talking about the tragic disconnect between castes in your society (because right now, that’s the only concern he has -- it will be sweeps before he develops into the insufferable young man that you’ll deeply adore, though you don’t know it yet). He talks of the gaping chasms between castes and of the lack of understanding of one color for another’s plights -- most often, he tells you about the sense of entitlement the lower castes sometimes hold, the sense of authority that the higher ones tend towards. You understand and see that these problems do appear to exist, and although his words are a little unrefined right now, you find his passion and compassion endearing and moving.

He is attentive and interested when you tell him about the expectations of society in regards to particular blood castes and, more importantly for you, particular genders. Your role is one that you have not been allowed to deny solely based on your gender and the caste you were born into. You know male jadebloods, though they are few and far between; you know one who denied his role and was allowed to do so. You were quick to try to follow in his footsteps, and it was a fight to so much as be heard out. You tell Kankri all of this with the passion of personal experience, and he is empathetic.

Eventually, you move beyond such issues and begin to discuss more normal things -- you discuss your lusii, your hobbies (you tell him about your fondness for fashion, despite the fact that it is so thoroughly a female activity; he tells you of his interest in watching movies and in examining the characters’ relationships with each other), and, after a little while, your frustrations with friends.

When you have known each other for a quarter-sweep, you introduce him to Mituna Captor and are promptly forced to mediate. Mituna does not have the same appreciation for Kankri’s _compassion_ that you do, and responds harshly with a fierce jab at how _entitled_ Kankri must be, to make such assumptions, as if just having sacred blood gives him that authority (because at this point, the yellowblood’s mind is still whole, but his impossibly swift mood swings are no less potent than they will be when he has destroyed himself).

You are beating yourself up, thinking that you should have seen this coming, when Kankri abruptly leaves the chat. He’d said nothing to Captor -- simply been stunned, silent, then disconnected. You, ill at ease, message him privately.

It takes him several minutes to respond to your careful, _”Kankri?”_

The words look bitter when he says that Mituna is right. His blood doesn’t put him above anyone, he says; he has no right to judge or to decide _for_ the castes what is just or unjust. You have never heard him sound so upset, so self-deprecating. It’s unsettling.

You do your best to be straight with him. No, it doesn’t give him that right, but it doesn’t mean he has _no_ right to believe that there is something _better_. You kind of expect him to understand -- you expect him to accept your gentle reassurance and _talk_ with you, to trust you, to let you help him.

It is a cold shock when he pushes you away, harsh and stubborn. He wants to know how you could have room to say that -- you’ve _suffered_ injustice; your claim is _legitimate_. It stings to hear him refuse to hear you so irrationally (he has _always_ listened, always _tried_ if nothing else, and it’s a painful change), and you seethe. He blocks you before you can respond.

You, injured by his outright rejection and very angry, have until the next morning when he unblocks you again to regain control of yourself. You decide to let him come to you. Let him swallow his pride or his guilt, or whatever is keeping him, and approach _you_. You suspect he won’t really listen to you unless it is on his terms, anyway.

When a new Trollian window finally pops up with several lines of red presented to you, it’s been a few days of quiet (you’ll admit that the quiet has been strange). He tells you that he’s been doing some reading -- Captor’s words were “enlightening” for him and he thinks that maybe he should begin emphasizing to other people that he’s more than aware of his unique position, his privilege, and do you think they’ll listen more? You hesitate. You can feel the insecurity behind these words, and you wonder just how people must treat him when they aren’t coddling him -- people like Captor who see only the advantages of his position, who think he _takes_ advantage.

You respond carefully, tell him that it won’t be easy to convince others that he doesn’t think he’s above them when they’ve already decided what they think, but he should try. He seems encouraged in his response -- he’ll try to make them understand, he tells you -- and you hope for his sake that he’ll manage it.

You don’t talk about the society’s problems for a while -- he tells you about the characters in the movies he’s watching, you share new clothing designs, and sometimes he talks to you about how frustrated he gets with some of his (few, you’re more than aware, though he never tells you as much) friends. You find yourself wanting to intervene, to talk some sense into them, to protect him, and you know that he wouldn’t react well to it so you refrain. After a few days, you remark that you’d like to meet his friends.

The response you receive is slow and reluctant -- he’s not sure about that, and what if you don’t get along very well, what if the events with Mituna repeat themselves? You wait for him to finish before gently reassuring him -- it’ll be fine. He is silent for a long time, but the next message is a quiet concession. He starts a memo and invites you.

You meet an odd but entertaining tealblood and a friendly oliveblood -- Kankri tells you that they are the only ones online right then, and makes brief introductions. Latuna laughs a lot and you find yourself joking and laughing along with her. Meulin is preoccupied with something she’s watching but occasionally shares her immense affection for one character or another in her movie (a movie that Latula deems “k1nd4 l4m3!” after a while, before cackling, and Meulin hisses at her metaphorically before they go back to being friends -- what a strange relationship). Kankri is, for once, fairly quiet, until he begins to talk about the particular movie he’s watching -- he describes in great detail a “straight-up rad” (in his awkward, stumbling wording) scene for Latula’s benefit. She enthusiastically laughs and it’s only when he’s gone through great pains to explain it that she thanks him (you’re surprised; you think this is uncharacteristic of her, despite having only known her for a little while) and tells him that she’s seen it before, and it’s a great movie(! but she liked the original better).

Kankri laughs it off in a manner that you read as nervous, and they proceed to discuss the movie -- you can tell that he is all but catering to her tastes, focusing on the “r4d1culous sc3n3z!!” rather than the character relationships that you know he loves so well. You are dubious until it strikes you that he has not actually talked to you about Latula, as if he would be embarrassed to talk about it with you, and you laugh because he has a massive flushcrush and no idea how to express it.

He stutters protests when you gently tease him about it later. He can’t fool you, and he knows it. You laugh it off when he tells you that it’s “n9t y9ur 6usiness regardless 9f wh9 d9 9r d9 n9t earn my vari9usly-shaded affecti9ns, s9 I w9uld appreciate it if y9u w9uld n9t make such assumpti9ns 9r accusati9ns.”

It amuses you to pull his chain, you’ve found. You tease him until he changes the topic to the societal implications of the movie he is watching right now and how poorly the writers dealt with some of the topics. You let him evade further razzing for the moment.

A little time passes. You speak to Latula and Meulin often, and you do not notice your conversations with Kankri becoming less frequent until two days have gone since you last spoke to him. You are busily sketching a design and you don’t want to set it aside for long (you are on a roll), so instead of your usual text chatting, you invite him to video chat. You don’t do this often anymore, not since you last did so to watch a movie “together”; even so, he accepts, and says absently that he’s going to be a little preoccupied. You tell him that it’s alright without looking up from carefully detailing the pattern of a sash.

The first thing you see when you look up from your sketch is that he is reading -- some very thick volume that takes up half the webcam at the angle he’s holding it, though you cannot make out the title -- and it is much too dimly-lit in his room for him to do so. You tell him sternly to go turn on a light while you reach over to adjust the lamp you are drawing by. You hear his affronted sputter without looking up and he says it’s no big deal, and the two of you bicker about it until he throws his hands up and relents.

You show him your design and he tells you a little about the book he’s partway through and all the long, quiet stretches are companionable.

And life carries on. You grow frustrated with him as time passes, but you cannot imagine _not_ forcing him to turn on the light, eat regular meals, tidy his respiteblock (in spite of the slight disarray of your own). The more you take care of him, the more he growls and gripes and tries to ramble and reason you off of his back -- you simply roll your eyes because you know him too well to be talked in circles, even if he’s grown increasingly long-winded in the time you’ve known him.

He needs someone to be there for him unconditionally, even if he won’t admit it, and even if not in the way he’d prefer. You are there for him by force when he is too stubborn and independent to let you, and you do not always give him the answers he wants. He comes close to tantrums sometimes at that but you persist because you are stubborn and patient as a bull, and he is your Kanny, an undersized and awkward boy who still fears saying the wrong thing, who still hurts when his friends exclude him from certain conversations because he is just too long-winded or technical or whatever particular trait of his they are tired of dealing with.

You tire of those traits, too, because these days he is so entrenched in not only avoiding stepping on toes, but in expanding and understanding and equalizing, about things that you are not sure are real issues at all. It is not enough for him to simply let people have the freedom -- legally, societally, and otherwise -- to do as they will. He wants everyone in the world to understand and empathize with each other and you find his stubborn hopefulness both endearing and obnoxious and it is frustrating, nearly _painful_ , when other people don’t feel the former. You think such passive rejection hurts him more than it hurts you, and more than he’ll readily admit.

So when the others push him away, you pull him closer, as much as you grow frustrated when he struggles and grouses. And, once in a while, he actively tries to push you away, almost dismissing your opinions and statements. That stings more than anything. You remember when he used to try to understand, at the very least. It feels like you’re the only one in the world he cannot empathize with anymore. You don’t entirely understand why he acts like that, either, but you still love him, and sometimes you think you’re the only one who tries to, so you persist.

You think you might get sick of being pushed away one day, and finally give up. But you know how he reacts to rejection and you think that, as much as he may be obnoxiously insufferable sometimes, his heart is still in the right place.

This does not stop you from wondering why you put up with him as he tells you that “it’s n9t y9ur 6usiness if I ch99se t9 live 9n tr9ll Chinese take9ut and tr9ll pizza p9ckets. They’re easy to make and sufficiently nutriti9us, as y9u can see 6y the fact that my physical 69dy has n9t yet expired.” You simply mock him about being insensitive to ghosts and those who identify as deceased, and all is normal.

**Author's Note:**

> Written because I like writing stories about characters and I adore the relationship here.
> 
> If you didn't realize it consciously, I did intentionally parallel the general nature and progression of a mother/son relationship, although I wouldn't define their relationship so strictly as mother/son. I also paralleled Dolorosa and the Signless a little more directly than the general mother/son relationship: She adopts him because he has no one else, whereas Porrim becomes close to Kankri because, at the time, she had no one else (and later on, she persists in being there for him when he needs it because no one else really will).


End file.
